Between the lines

It's a snow day at New Paltz. Not that I have any classes on Wednesday.

Instead of being a productive, worthwhile student by doing work I figured it's time to start a new blog because I feel like these next few months are going to be quite the transition. With that transition will come a BUTT load of emotion.

Just as is expected, this first week back at New Paltz has delivered on the drama. First and foremost (and most embarrassing) there was this kid who for FOREVER (well at least since last semester) I thought was so hot. Fast forward to me having a conversation with Matt about him and he saying "just write 'hey what's up' on his wall." Well the 14 year-old giddy school girl in me thought this was a fantastic idea, only to return later after the posting to realize the "hot" kid deleted it. haha that would only happen to me. The giddy school girl just came back out before in Haz as he was walking right behind me. I just need to get into the real world with REAL relationships and none of this college "OH MY GOD writing on your wall asking what's up means I'm automatically in love with you." I guess I'm old fashioned in my thought that I want to get to know a person first. haha that was a really negative rant, but I still have faith in meeting the someONE. New Paltz just isn't the place for me apparently. Which is good that I realize this now because I leave in 3 months.

I don't like when someone who claims they're one of my close friends calls me a whore and then tells me they wanna bang the shit outta my ex. Anyone else see any irony in that? haha

I am very happy right now, but I am also terrified I have hit a ceiling of happiness. Meaning that I am happy and recovered as I can be from what Anthony did to me, but that I won't get any happier until I meet someone new, and at times I panic because I am scared I won't meet that someone. New Paltz does that. I just think too much in terms of my experience here.

New Paltz has some wonderful positives. Such as my Mofo. I love her so much. She has been there for me through everything and not once has blamed anything on me. I have never met anyone who can go from being the most hysterical person on earth to the most caring and honest person. It's a rare gift and I appreciate the fact she has it. If she had a penis I would have none of these problems. haha

I am excited for February 20th. Probably for the wrong reasons. But who knows.

I don't know what else I should get out. I guess I should probably tell you I stink because it's almost 3 and I haven't showered. hahaha so I should do that

but before I've also realized I have met some genuine gay guys and in my own selfishness I've completely lost even their friendship. I was talking to this kid Garrett last night that I hooked up with for the wrong reasons on my own end, but he was nothing but nice to me when I finally came clean. And then we just fell out of touch due to my own insecurities and I forgot how nice and genuine he is. That's the kind of friend I want. I want a gay friend with nothing sexual. Like we can share the bed and it'll mean nothing but company.

We don't usually get what we want though.

ok I NEED TO SHOWER. haha

I look too much between the lines of everything as is apparent from this blog. these are probably all things I am making up in my mind. But as sara barielles says "no right mind could wrong be this many times" haha'

favorite songs of the moment:
- Live recording of "Between the Lines" by Sara Barielles
- "Almost Lover" by A Fine Frenzy
- "My Life Would Suck Without You" Kelly Clarkson.

That's all