Making IT ok

It has been about 6 months since I graduated, and eons beyond that since I have updated this blog. Thus, it is due.

First and foremost. Hello. For those of you who have forgot my name is Kyle McAllister, and I am currently living in Rhinebeck with my cat Piper (aka the feline embodiment of a crackhead). I make a "full-time living" as a Pharmacy Technician at the same job I have had for seven years. It is all very mundane and very Hyde Park.

As a result of this Hyde Park-ness (Yes, this is now a describing noun), I have decided this blogger will be my new intellectual stimulus (besides my new obsession with The Office)

With all this aside let's focus on the picture at hand.

I. HAVE. FOUND. LOVE.

The last time you met me I was a miserable, soon-to-be-graduated, hot mess of a person. All my posts were "anthony this," "mitch this," "New Paltz stinks this," "blah blah blah this." Well to all those "these" I say SUCK ON THIS:

May 25t.....

(speak of the devil he just called, now where was I?)

May 25th, 2008 is a day that will live in infamy. No, not because of a bomb drop, BUT because of a hand drop onto my leg.

This is the day I met James Cahill.

Ok, and I look below and this says "draft autosaved at 11:56 p.m." and that's all I'll say, and that's how I know.

We are going on our 6 month on December 12th, and I wish I could reach into my computer screen back to life of a Kyle who writes posts entitiled "Between the Lines" and shake him and let him know James Cahill will make it ok.

No, he won't make everything ok. but no one can. but he will make IT ok. I love the idea of making IT ok. IT is so vague and IT can be whatever you so chose it. For example:

the fact that I hate my job ==> James Cahill makes IT ok

the fact that shit has happened to me in the past ==> James Cahill makes IT ok

the fact that we are living 300 miles apart ==> James Cahill makes me know that IT WILL be ok!

Even better is the fact that James and I make it ok. I maybe even like that better. "James and Kyle Make IT all A-ok" (even though it sounds like an ad for a hokey bbq restaurant, as I said IT can be everything, even if IT is bad bbq food....I digress)

Basically. I. Have. Found. Love. That makes me believe in anything even "Senza Le Stelle"

Other than that, significant events include since last posting include, but are not limited to: graduating, June 12th, NOT moving to Italy, full-time at molloys, moving out, Kelly Clarkson & West Side Story, and hopefully many more exciting events. I don't doubt it. and I am ready for them.

Also, get your stones out and get ready to cast them at me b/c I am actually kinda inspired by a Chris Brown song (which was INADVENTANTLY and HERETICALLY mistyped as Christ Brown). The lyrics are as follows, I advise you listen along on youtube:

If we crawl til we can walk again
Then we'll run until we're strong enough to jump
Then we'll fly until there is no wind
So let's crawl, crawl, crawl
Back to love

As you see, between these past few months I have crawled back to love. And I wouldn't trade my scabby knees (Subtle West Side Story allusion for all of you non-musical nerds) for this opportunity that James has given me to fly even with all the wind in my life.

IT is and will be OK.

Song of the day,
"Crawl" - Chris Brown

That is All

Get Out and Stay Out

I just went to my Facebook and Anthony came up in something so I clicked on it and saw "in a relationship." Whilst this is no surprise to me, for some reason it stung for like a nano second. However, just like being on the island it stopped hurting even faster (for you LOST nerdles, it is Wednesday after all). You have no idea how exciting of a thing this is to happen to me. I didn't even have to text MOFO and that is good for both of us.

This is a tell tale sign of okayness. As a result, I would like to try a friendship with Anthony now at this point because I see no reason not to be friends. I get jealous of people who are part of his life, but it's my fault because I have isolated myself out of it.

It's just scary to go about it because we both had our issues before and that could lead us both to being wary of being friends. He did hurtful things, and I went crazy on him. Maybe that might actually be better because we can cut our losses, say we're even and give it the old college try (considering I only have 3 months of college left ahhhhhh ahha)

The song that is the title of the post has been my inspiration. It is from 9 to 5, yes, by tig bittied Dolly Parton. It's just nice to finally realize that someone can go and settle on someone else and that it's okay to be alone. It's even more fulfilling that i realize and accept it by my own accord. As she says: "Got my own place. My own space to think and dream and plan. Took me this long to realize I do not need a man." It's inspiring and all about reclaiming your life. I am telling those thoughts to get out and stay out, I'm taking back my life. It sounds so harsh, but it isn't meant to be. If you want to hear the song here it is.



Gay, right?

Speaking of gay someone came into rite aid today, and I was nothing but helpful. Well he then proceeded to go up to the front and tell my co-workers that I was a prick and needed the shit beat out of me. When the interrogated as to what I did exactly, he said "he was just rude." They think it was because he was a giant homophobe in New Paltz. Oxymoron right? Actually just a moron. haha

But the sweet thing about that story is that my friends said "he is not the type to be rude." It was nice to know that's what they think about me.

In other news, Mitch and i are talking again. We're feeling the waters and it's strange but hopefully good. There was a rough point yesterday which got me kind of bummed, but yesterday was bad in general which is why I didn't write (probably a mistake because I sulked most of the night, albeit mostly in exhaustion haha). I just felt under attack by Mitch. And then Mike talked down to me in a cappella and it was not a "Kyle's Best" day.

The amazing thing about Mitch is that it's hard not to believe 2 people are meant to at least know each other with us. The confusing thing about all of this is that I was in love with both Mitch and Anthony (obviously at different times), but for some reason Mitch is my constant. I feel like he has just had such a huge impact on my life. I mean he was the reason I came out to my parents. In the words of Sara Barielles, "something always bring me back to you." She calls it gravity, which I think is an appropriate naming; an unexplainable force of nature. For some reason that has not existed with anyone else I dated other than Mitch. Like by all means I want to be friends with Anthony and would like to leave New Paltz on good terms with him. But I can't be sure of us being in contact as long as Mitch and I have been. It's all so confusing. On LOST they say you need a constant.

JESUS ENOUGH LOST ALREADY!!

In REALLY exciting news Amanda's mom won tickets to Mary Poppins on Broadway, so she is taking amanda, emily, and I tomorrow!! I am so stoked!!

It's things and people like them that make life worth living and being alone not lonely. I am just glad I finally woke myself up and can admit I've been foolish and take back MY life! Which means more time to focus on what I really want!

Now GET OUT AND STAY OUT I need some sleep because I have class in 6 and a half hours. WHOOPS.

Today's Song:
- Obviously "Get out and Stay Out" by Stephanie J Block

That's all

A Scanner Darkly

I just got back from my Mind & Morals in the Movies class. We watched some crazy movie about drug abuse called "A Scanner Darkly." I didn't really understand what happened and the way it was filmed was similar to those insurance commercials where it's real people that are animated. Make up your mind! As I'm sure you can tell it wasn't my favorite. However, I throughly loved a quote from it:

Now in the dark world where I dwell, ugly things, and surprising things, and sometimes little wondrous things, spill out in me constantly

Ain't that amazing?

Oh and Keanu Reeves was in it and he makes me uncomfortable.

This is my second post of the day. HA

That's all

Absent Qualia?

There is a song by One Republic called "Say (all I need)" which literally says "All I need/is the air I breathe/and a place to rest my head." For some unknown reason this has been in my head all day. Even listening to the song on my ipod was not the proper insecticide for this pervasive ear worm.

In my last class, Mind & Moral in the movies, we spent all hour and 15 minutes talking about zombies. No, not "night of the living dead" zombies that will eat your first born. These zombies are what are known as Absent Qualia zombies. What this means essentially is that they are human substances without conciousness. They act and appear as if they are living physical beings, but they lack one important aspect of the human experience: qualitative experiences. In laymen terms, they have no idea what it is like to feel something. They believe they do, but in terms of the human mind they do not.Obviously, this messed with my head and, just as I do with every song I hear (i.e. "Say (all I need)"), i began thinking of this concept in terms of my life.

Absent Qualia Zombies are not aware of the fact that they lack the ability to feel, they just believe they can feel. Lately, I've felt this way. I don't remember what it's like to feel love, which makes me wonder if I ever felt it in the first place. Similar to these entities I've come to rely on the physical. Which ties back to the song. All I need is the air i breathe and a place to rest my head, which I am aware of and have no feelings towards. Therefore, there should be no feelings towards the unnecessary or immaterial. Feeling something is not essential to life. However, is it essential to what it is to be human? Absent Qualia zombies are just humans without feelings. Some philosophers even believe they exist, although we will never know. You, yes you reading this, could even be one and not know it. You may believe you feel something about what you're reading, but in conscious reality you do not.

It's confusing stuff. Let's just say I prefer the brain eating zombies.

Scarier than zombies themselves is the fact that I just wrote extensively about them. Loser.

I got to nap today. It was fantastic.

Thanks to Madison I also became of aware that today is a day of international celebration in the form of "Hug a homosexual day." Although, in my opinion if you see me any old day you really should just hug me. Let me amend that, if you see me any day you really should give me a hug IF AND ONLY IF I like you. Thank you to my lovebug for her multiple signs of celebration. Let this image serve as inspiration for all you atheists to the holidays:


Yes, sometimes I even hate myself when I say things like that. haha

In addition to all those thoughts, today was the continuation of the saga of my "no seatbelt" ticket. Do not feel pity that I got pulled over, because this is one of those gems that would only happen in my life. Forget you not that gems are precious stones. Anyway, last month I got pulled over for not wearing a seatbelt when I was. I didn't fight I just took the ticket and was going to plead not guilty in court. Simple, right? Not in my life. Instead of putting the information for New Paltz on the ticket, the officer put Woodstock. He is forgiven because it was 2 am after all. Just as as a good little citizen should do, I mailed the ticket in with my plea only to get a letter back from the Woodstock court saying the ticket is dismissed because the officer wrote for the wrong court. TIME TO CELEBRATE.....woah woah woah not so fast. I continue reading to see that the Sgt. there requested A NEW ticket be issued in New Paltz leading me to call the New Paltz court today to see if a new ticket was issued. However, it appears that disorganization is not only a common disease on the New Paltz campus, but in the town as well, and no one knew what I was talking about. That leaves me where I am now, waiting for a call back from the officer. Now you see why I compare my life to a TV show.

Once again I've blabbed on my blog far too much. I am going to go watch some "Entourage" until I have to go back to my movie class. It's a Hollywood day!

Moral of it all: From now on I am focusing on the physical and just blowing the non-essential emotions out of the window with the breath of my life-sustaining inhalation. This also means focusing on my REAL relationships and not getting worked up over people I have no connection with.

Pheww this thing is so therapeutic.

Now let's hug it out bitch!

Song of today:
- it won't take a rocket scientist to figure this one out. "Say (all I need)" by One Republic

That's All

Stuck in the Middle

Cue to me ceasing drinking for a little while. Last night was once again a production and a half in my life. I dunno what it is lately, but I feel like I just need to break out of here for life to move forward.

I used to love this place, but it's similar to your favorite TV show. It always has a bad season where the plot doesn't seem to have any direction what so ever. It's really confusing. I feel so close to my friends now and the thought of leaving them breaks my heart. On the other hand, I feel like I am missing that other connection. So it's almost like a choice. Choose losing your friends for the opportunity to meet someone and fall in love, or stay here and be so ecstatic to have such amazing people in your life although part of you will always be incomplete. It's really like being stuck between a rock and a hard place.

Why am I not drinking? Because last night I got home from the bar and started crying. Why you ask? Well if you ask that you obviously don't know me too well haha But the main reason is I am experiencing things I have never experienced before with a new perspective. In fact, keep with the TV theme, I've always thought of my time here as a dramedy (with an amazing soundtrack obviously).

My first season (or year) was me coming into my own and coping with being gay and discovering what it means. It lead to some really hard ups and down. Season finale, meeting Mitch and finally realizing why there is nothing wrong with being gay when you can feel the way I felt about him.

We pick up in the second season (sophomore year), Mitch and I ended which is always the case with first love. I took some time for myself while people were flocking to be with me.Isn't it Ironic how when you're ready to be with someone no one else is, and when you're not EVERYONE else is? Anyway, I took a risk later that year and dated Mark and learned what rejection felt like when he cheated on me. This season ends with me giving up on New Paltz and deciding it was best for me to get out of here and go to Italy.

The third season was probably the one when I grew the most. I studied in a foreign country and I learned the high of a foreign fling. I was able to survive on my own and just be who ever I wanted to be and truly take a breath and enjoy myself. There were hard times as is expected, but it was worth EVERYTHING. In my return to the United States, I attempted to date to get my mind off my misery of being back in a place that had hurt me. It was not an easy transition. I went from being carefreewith probably one of the most attractive Italians on this planet to dating someone who I felt no connection with (a mistake which I now realize was mine). Once that I ended I was once again just happy. I was loving New Paltz and saw it from a new point of view with new people entering my life. I wasn't expecting anything from here and then I met Anthony. He helped me to see not only New Paltz, but relationships in a completely different light. With him I felt I could do anything and I could just be myself. I was the most comfortable I had ever been on this campus. He made me believe that a guy can love me and that it is not all about sex. I was mistaken however and I learned what it's like to lose when he dumped me. I lost hope once he slept with a fellow a cappella memeber. I felt so alone and like I was the only person who wanted something real. Once again the transition (this time more immediate and unexpected) was not easy due to similar reasons to Italy (and faults on both of our parts). I tore myself down (with his assistance) and just fell into an absolute depression. I felt things I didn't even know I could feel and they were not things I ever wanted to feel. It was as if all the work I achieved in Italy was torn down by this one person and I was defeated. My friends could not even help me. This season ends with me never wanting me to come back to this wretched place.

Now we are in the current season. I decided, once I started allowing myself, to heal. This season's theme would be to rebuild. There is a song by Guster called "Empire State" and I've really thought of it as the anthem of this semester. Additionally, people find the construction on the campus annoying, I find it inspiring. Rebuilding the old. That means old relationships, old attitudes, old hobbies, etc to adapt to the changes that occurred last year. I think the reason this year has been so difficult is the fact that I am stuck. It's like what's the point of putting in all this work if I am just going to be leaving? Do not get my wrong, I am so proud of the point I am at. Things have changed drastically from the beginning of this year to now, but they seem to have hit a plateau. Not to toot my own horn but I'm not used to rejection and now that I am rebuilding it seems like some of the pieces don't fit in this environment. Not once have I been dumped or dumped someone and not had options. As a freshman and sophomore people wanted to date me, now it seems that guys couldn't want to be further away. I'm fading out of the picture fast, and it feels like I am the only one fading. It feels lonely. On the positive side, my friendships feel stronger than ever. Unfortunately there is the conflict of interest in my head of the attention of my friends not being enough. Let me tell you, that is frustrating. Nothing is worse than feeling alone when you are surrounded by some of the most amazing people. There is hope though. Usually my spring semesters are my most eventful and I'm praying this one lives up to its predecessors reputations. I need something (preferably changing the suffix thing to one) to pull me out of the middle. Right now what's happening in my season is I am basically just coasting through life. Nothing is happening good or bad. I guess that's ok, but it makes for REALLY boring and kind of pathetic TV. Who knows how this season will end.....

WOW I did not expect to write that much. But hey, you just got a glimpse into my brain and now you see what a confusing place it is.

For now let's give my itinerary thus far of the day. Woke up ==> Haz with Matt ==> Turns into Haz with Mofo and Alyssa ==> Went to the gym because I felt bad for eating so much at Haz haha ==> Writing this right now ==> Shower ==> Homework ==> Convenient Deli ==> Off to the cottage for a super bowl party

I am excited!! This post was really choppy, but so are my confused thoughts! Sorry it's been such rough sailing!

However, this is one groocal that keeps me going and gives New Paltz a positive face:

We just love POF'ing

Ok I need to shower.

Song of today:
- "Empire State" Guster

That's All

HAHAHA Whoops....My Life

The title of this is probably Matt's favorite quote that I ever said and woah does it apply to last night.

So tap shoe friday turned into tanked kyle fri-night! The beginning was quite fun! Amanda, Emily, And I were just hanging out in their room drinking and singing some Miley Cyrus, HSM, Hairspray, and various other musical styles meant for the pre-pubescent crowd. haha

Then Elayna and Abbey came over and we walked (more like slid down all the ice) in the freezing cold to go to the bar.

Fast forward a few Rum & Cokes to me being a desperate gay. haha First there was this kid that I hooked up with back on Thanksgiving (yes, I hooked up on thanksgiving do not judge even though you probably should). Well he said he wanted to come up and hang out and never did. Strike one. Then there was this kid at the bar and drunk me was like fuck it and creepily got his number from my friend. haha whoops strike 2. Then I walked back through the frozen tundra of New Paltz and should've hopped right into bed, but NO that's too simple. So I get on facebook (a bad idea whilst sober) and message the "comment-deleter" WHOOPS Strike 3 I'm out. haha I can hear Christine now "you're a MofoHoHo!

Speaking of Christine, we are going out tonight! Although I might have to put like a bag over my head after last night!

At least my life is never boring haha

But first 8 hours of Joy at Rite Aid!

Song of today
"Money, Money, Money" - Mamma Mia!

that's all

Tap Shoe Friday

The first ever Tap Shoe Friday is a success. The lessons have begin and my legs are about to claim mutiny on my body. God Bless Kyleen for being able to handle my awkward ambling limbs. I am such a grandpa. But an excited grandpa nonetheless!!

Other successes of the day:
- Got a wine bottle open
- More face wash
- Dark Chocolate
- A bottle of Captain Morgan & Coke Zero in my fridge

Let's see if tap shoe fri-night is even better! it's got a lot to live up to.

ew. I was listening to "almost lover" and walked by Pig. If only my Mof was there with me.

Song of today
- "That's not my name" the ting tings

That's All