Cue to me ceasing drinking for a little while. Last night was once again a production and a half in my life. I dunno what it is lately, but I feel like I just need to break out of here for life to move forward.I used to love this place, but it's similar to your favorite TV show. It always has a bad season where the plot doesn't seem to have any direction what so ever. It's really confusing. I feel so close to my friends now and the thought of leaving them breaks my heart. On the other hand, I feel like I am missing that other connection. So it's almost like a choice. Choose losing your friends for the opportunity to meet someone and fall in love, or stay here and be so ecstatic to have such amazing people in your life although part of you will always be incomplete. It's really like being stuck between a rock and a hard place.
Why am I not drinking? Because last night I got home from the bar and started crying. Why you ask? Well if you ask that you obviously don't know me too well haha But the main reason is I am experiencing things I have never experienced before with a new perspective. In fact, keep with the TV theme, I've always thought of my time here as a dramedy (with an amazing soundtrack obviously).
My first season (or year) was me coming into my own and coping with being gay and discovering what it means. It lead to some really hard ups and down. Season finale, meeting Mitch and finally realizing why there is nothing wrong with being gay when you can feel the way I felt about him.
We pick up in the second season (sophomore year), Mitch and I ended which is always the case with first love. I took some time for myself while people were flocking to be with me.Isn't it Ironic how when you're ready to be with someone no one else is, and when you're not EVERYONE else is? Anyway, I took a risk later that year and dated Mark and learned what rejection felt like when he cheated on me. This season ends with me giving up on New Paltz and deciding it was best for me to get out of here and go to Italy.
The third season was probably the one when I grew the most. I studied in a foreign country and I learned the high of a foreign fling. I was able to survive on my own and just be who ever I wanted to be and truly take a breath and enjoy myself. There were hard times as is expected, but it was worth EVERYTHING. In my return to the United States, I attempted to date to get my mind off my misery of being back in a place that had hurt me. It was not an easy transition. I went from being carefreewith probably one of the most attractive Italians on this planet to dating someone who I felt no connection with (a mistake which I now realize was mine). Once that I ended I was once again just happy. I was loving New Paltz and saw it from a new point of view with new people entering my life. I wasn't expecting anything from here and then I met Anthony. He helped me to see not only New Paltz, but relationships in a completely different light. With him I felt I could do anything and I could just be myself. I was the most comfortable I had ever been on this campus. He made me believe that a guy can love me and that it is not all about sex. I was mistaken however and I learned what it's like to lose when he dumped me. I lost hope once he slept with a fellow a cappella memeber. I felt so alone and like I was the only person who wanted something real. Once again the transition (this time more immediate and unexpected) was not easy due to similar reasons to Italy (and faults on both of our parts). I tore myself down (with his assistance) and just fell into an absolute depression. I felt things I didn't even know I could feel and they were not things I ever wanted to feel. It was as if all the work I achieved in Italy was torn down by this one person and I was defeated. My friends could not even help me. This season ends with me never wanting me to come back to this wretched place.
Now we are in the current season. I decided, once I started allowing myself, to heal. This season's theme would be to rebuild. There is a song by Guster called "Empire State" and I've really thought of it as the anthem of this semester. Additionally, people find the construction on the campus annoying, I find it inspiring. Rebuilding the old. That means old relationships, old attitudes, old hobbies, etc to adapt to the changes that occurred last year. I think the reason this year has been so difficult is the fact that I am stuck. It's like what's the point of putting in all this work if I am just going to be leaving? Do not get my wrong, I am so proud of the point I am at. Things have changed drastically from the beginning of this year to now, but they seem to have hit a plateau. Not to toot my own horn but I'm not used to rejection and now that I am rebuilding it seems like some of the pieces don't fit in this environment. Not once have I been dumped or dumped someone and not had options. As a freshman and sophomore people wanted to date me, now it seems that guys couldn't want to be further away. I'm fading out of the picture fast, and it feels like I am the only one fading. It feels lonely. On the positive side, my friendships feel stronger than ever. Unfortunately there is the conflict of interest in my head of the attention of my friends not being enough. Let me tell you, that is frustrating. Nothing is worse than feeling alone when you are surrounded by some of the most amazing people. There is hope though. Usually my spring semesters are my most eventful and I'm praying this one lives up to its predecessors reputations. I need something (preferably changing the suffix thing to one) to pull me out of the middle. Right now what's happening in my season is I am basically just coasting through life. Nothing is happening good or bad. I guess that's ok, but it makes for REALLY boring and kind of pathetic TV. Who knows how this season will end.....
WOW I did not expect to write that much. But hey, you just got a glimpse into my brain and now you see what a confusing place it is.
For now let's give my itinerary thus far of the day. Woke up ==> Haz with Matt ==> Turns into Haz with Mofo and Alyssa ==> Went to the gym because I felt bad for eating so much at Haz haha ==> Writing this right now ==> Shower ==> Homework ==> Convenient Deli ==> Off to the cottage for a super bowl party
I am excited!! This post was really choppy, but so are my confused thoughts! Sorry it's been such rough sailing!
However, this is one groocal that keeps me going and gives New Paltz a positive face:
We just love POF'ingOk I need to shower.
Song of today:
- "Empire State" Guster
That's All
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